The Closest I Got to Ending My Life

The closest I got to wanting to take my own life originated from my most physically painful experience. 

At the time, I lived in Idaho, away from my family, and I was feeling ill for weeks. The physical pain in my body was completely overwhelming. I couldn't go to work, I was barely able to sit through my classes at the university, and I often had to stay home from church and social activities. At the time, I refrained from telling anyone all of these details because I was too depressed. I often pretended like everything was all right since I did not want to be a burden on anyone nor be a failure as a student, friend, or daughter.

Here's a journal entry of mine after one of my darkest moments:

February 23, 2019

I have never come so close to wanting to end my life. My throat has been sore for a month now. I've been to 3 different doctors, and nothing they've given me has helped. My throat feels worse now than ever. It hurts to breathe, swallow, and talk. I feel so abandoned and alone. It's hard to have faith that things will get better. I've taken so much medication that today I was shaky from taking so many pills. Ironically, I don't think I can take my anti-depressant medicine right now since I feel like I need to cut back from all the medication I'm taking, and the physical pain is too much for me to bear so I guess it's the emotional medicine that I need to take a break from.

[If I were to take my own life, what would happen?] I'm trying to focus right now on all the things people would say at my funeral. I know they would say extremely positive things about me. I don't want to imagine how my family would react if I went through with this kind of decision. I'm trying to think of how much my nephew Leo loves me [that 4-year-old boy had the biggest crush on me at the time.] I won't do anything to myself today, but boy have I come close.

I look back and shudder at these thoughts of mine. 

During that most intense day, I prayed with earnestness and studied the word of God. Soon, the heavens opened. 

The next day, this is what I wrote:

February 24, 2019

I feel better today, both physically and spiritually. Though my sickness is not gone, I feel more hopeful and I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me. Yesterday my mom called me saying that she and Papi were so worried and wanted to come see me today [by driving up 4 hours from Utah.] I told them not to, since I didn't think it would do any good for my parents to just watch me suffer. [In hindsight I should have just said yes. But it meant a lot for them to reach out to me that day. Though they knew I was in physical pain, they didn't know my emotional pain was at its peak.] I asked my family to fast for me. Last night I went to the doctor for the 4th time in 4 weeks and I think this time things will actually improve. I'm grateful that I was able to feel of God's love for me through my parents, the scriptures, General Conference talks, and my therapy sessions. I testify that the Savior suffered for my pain and illness and that He has been with me through it all. 

During our most miserable moments, we can have revelatory experiences, just like Joseph Smith did in Liberty Jail, his "prison-temple." And like the apostle Paul, I glory in my physical and emotional infirmities since they have brought me closer to my Father in Heaven. "Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me," (2 Corinthians 12:9.)

Hold your loved ones close, reach out to those in need, and always consider Christ and your Heavenly Parents.

(This picture was taken a year later with my most awesome family. I'm so glad I've still got them and they still have me around.)