The Closest I Got to Ending My Life

The closest I got to wanting to take my own life originated from my most physically painful experience. 

At the time, I lived in Idaho, away from my family, and I was feeling ill for weeks. The physical pain in my body was completely overwhelming. I couldn't go to work, I was barely able to sit through my classes at the university, and I often had to stay home from church and social activities. At the time, I refrained from telling anyone all of these details because I was too depressed. I often pretended like everything was all right since I did not want to be a burden on anyone nor be a failure as a student, friend, or daughter.

Here's a journal entry of mine after one of my darkest moments:

February 23, 2019

I have never come so close to wanting to end my life. My throat has been sore for a month now. I've been to 3 different doctors, and nothing they've given me has helped. My throat feels worse now than ever. It hurts to breathe, swallow, and talk. I feel so abandoned and alone. It's hard to have faith that things will get better. I've taken so much medication that today I was shaky from taking so many pills. Ironically, I don't think I can take my anti-depressant medicine right now since I feel like I need to cut back from all the medication I'm taking, and the physical pain is too much for me to bear so I guess it's the emotional medicine that I need to take a break from.

[If I were to take my own life, what would happen?] I'm trying to focus right now on all the things people would say at my funeral. I know they would say extremely positive things about me. I don't want to imagine how my family would react if I went through with this kind of decision. I'm trying to think of how much my nephew Leo loves me [that 4-year-old boy had the biggest crush on me at the time.] I won't do anything to myself today, but boy have I come close.

I look back and shudder at these thoughts of mine. 

During that most intense day, I prayed with earnestness and studied the word of God. Soon, the heavens opened. 

The next day, this is what I wrote:

February 24, 2019

I feel better today, both physically and spiritually. Though my sickness is not gone, I feel more hopeful and I know that Heavenly Father is aware of me. Yesterday my mom called me saying that she and Papi were so worried and wanted to come see me today [by driving up 4 hours from Utah.] I told them not to, since I didn't think it would do any good for my parents to just watch me suffer. [In hindsight I should have just said yes. But it meant a lot for them to reach out to me that day. Though they knew I was in physical pain, they didn't know my emotional pain was at its peak.] I asked my family to fast for me. Last night I went to the doctor for the 4th time in 4 weeks and I think this time things will actually improve. I'm grateful that I was able to feel of God's love for me through my parents, the scriptures, General Conference talks, and my therapy sessions. I testify that the Savior suffered for my pain and illness and that He has been with me through it all. 

During our most miserable moments, we can have revelatory experiences, just like Joseph Smith did in Liberty Jail, his "prison-temple." And like the apostle Paul, I glory in my physical and emotional infirmities since they have brought me closer to my Father in Heaven. "Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me," (2 Corinthians 12:9.)

Hold your loved ones close, reach out to those in need, and always consider Christ and your Heavenly Parents.

(This picture was taken a year later with my most awesome family. I'm so glad I've still got them and they still have me around.)

 

The Fear of Becoming like Your Parents

 

I have noticed that some of my friends and acquaintances are terrified of becoming like their parents. Their parents may not have a healthy relationship, or their parents were abusive, or their parent’s actions affected them severely in another way. 

Our parents’ actions have a great influence on us. Bad habits or weaknesses can be inherited. It can be scary to observe a family member’s poor choices and feel like you are going to go down that same path.

What can you do about the fear of becoming like your parents?

Be aware of your wounds and triggers.

Find someone you trust and name your grief by talking about your past and the problems that you are still experiencing from it. Simply talking about these things will help you receive revelation as to what is holding you back from the life you want and get started on your path of healing. It's OK and healthy to communicate your fears with others so that they can understand you and help you out. 

Acknowledge that your fear can be a good thing. 

By having this fear of becoming like your parents, you are probably more aware of your actions than your parents are. That means that this fear can lead you to be a person who is more quick to repent, which is a good thing! One of the sure signs of a disciple of Jesus Christ is someone who recognizes their weaknesses and fears, takes them to the Lord, and lets Him handle it. 

You have the power to break the unhealthy cycles in your family.

My mother and I have talked about this a lot, especially when it comes to abusive homes. Often, people are abusive because their parents were, and there can be a seemingly never-ending chain of abuse across generations. My mom has taught me to act on revelation, not on tradition. You have the power to break foolish traditions. If you have the desire to have a healthier lifestyle and home than what you grew up with, Heavenly Father is eager to help you achieve that goal. The scriptures teach us that God will deliver us from bondage, which includes the chains that your family may have created for you. “Awake, my sons; put on the armor of righteousness. Shake off the chains with which ye are bound, and come forth out of obscurity, and arise from the dust” (2 Nephi 1:23).

I have experienced fears similar to this, and I am so grateful that I have a Savior who has saved me from feelings of being “stuck” or “cursed.” I testify that He has given us the gift of redemption, and like Alma, I can say that "God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me," (Alma 36:27). If we put on the armor of God by keeping our covenants and being Christlike, we can develop healthy relationships with others and taste the love of God.

Recognizing Emotional Abuse

Since there is no perfect relationship nor perfect partner, it can be hard to recognize what kind of behavior is excusable and what is not. 

I have made it a point to educate myself on the topic of abuse because it is sadly so common, and I do not want to be abusive nor do I want to end up with someone who is abusive. We all have the power to fight against abuse. We can all make a difference in the prevention of it.

I want to focus on emotional abuse for this post because it is very subtle. 

In general, abuse has to do with the control of another person. Emotional abuse involves the neglect of a person's feelings and not allowing a person to have their own opinions, among other things. If a person is doing something wrong, but is willing to work on their imperfections, then that's a good sign. If a person is not willing to treat you better after you communicate to them about how they have hurt you, then that's a red flag. 

Here are some examples from relationships that can be signs of emotional abuse: (Although my examples only include toxic behavior of men, women can be emotionally abusive as well.)

One woman tried to communicate to her boyfriend about things that he was doing that hurt her feelings, and he never seemed to care because he would justify his actions instead of apologizing. He did not acknowledge her feelings or try to make her feel more comfortable.

Another woman's husband would get very angry and upset any time she had an opinion that was different from his, even when it was something simple like deciding what time they should leave to arrive at a social event. He acted as if her differing opinion was an attack on him.

When someone sets boundaries with you, but isn't willing to comply with the boundaries that you've set for them, that's not a good sign. For example, one couple had a long-distance relationship, and the man did not let his girlfriend go to certain social events out of jealousy, and she respected his feelings. However, when the woman told him about things that bothered her, he was not willing to make adjustments in his life. 

In general, whenever a person is not willing to compromise, that's a sign of controlling behavior. 

There are a myriad of other signs of emotional abuse. I will list just a few, but you can read about many more signs here: https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

• Making unreasonable demands of you
• Expecting you to put everything aside and meet their needs
• Being dissatisfied no matter how hard you try or give
• Expecting you to share their opinions (you are not permitted to have a different opinion)
• Making confusing and contradictory statements 
• Using guilt to control you
• Shutting down communication/giving you the "silent treatment"
• Public embarrassment
• Sarcasm
• Insults of your appearance
• Pushing your buttons

One of the hard things about this topic is that abusive people are not usually abusive 100% of the time, meaning that, for example, 90% of the time you feel great around the person but 10% of the time they treat you horribly. This may lead the victim to not understand the danger that they are in.

I sincerely believe that the Spirit and the people close to you will warn you if you are in a dangerous relationship. While you are infatuated with someone, it can be hard to recognize that they are not treating you right. Trust in the red flags that God will alert you of. 

Healthy Mindset about Sexuality while being Single

Something that can cause shame which can lead to anxiety and depression is when people fall under the trap of pornography and/or sexual transgression. Even though I firmly believe that living the law of chastity is extremely important, I also understand why people fall for those temptations--it's because the desire for sex is strong and God-given. The adversary attacks this desire because it is such a sacred part of our lives.

I hope to open a more positive discussion about sexuality instead of merely focusing on what single people cannot do. By simply having a more positive mindset about these things, feelings of shame can start to disappear. 

Do we realize that it is normal to be curious about sex?! It is healthy to desire it! 

We are all created in our Heavenly Parents' images. We believe that God is our Father in the literal sense of the word "father." We can infer that He is a sexual being, which is why we are sexual beings too. Even when you are single and chaste, your sexuality exists.  

When watching animal documentaries, it's easy to see that animals have a natural desire for companionship. As animals are mating, in their minds they aren't thinking, "We're going to make babies." They simply have the instinct to mate because it feels nice to have a companion and God didn't intend for them to be alone. Similar things happen with humans.

Heavenly Father did not intend for us to be alone. He gave us feelings of attraction. He wants us to have companions and start families.

I was talking to someone about this who was saying that, when they got engaged, together with their partner they decided that they weren't going to spend time at each other's apartments because they knew that if they were going to be in a private setting, they were going to break the law of chastity. Their love for each other was just too strong, and that's a good thing! How weird would it have been if two people were about to get married and did NOT have the desire to make love?

We all need to control our sex drive. Sex should be an expression of true love and both married partners should feel comfortable about it. Sex should help two people feel protected and accepted. Sex should be selfless. "Cleave unto charity...charity is the pure love of Christ" (Moroni 7:46-47).

I hope you develop a healthy mindset about sexuality. Even if you have committed a sexual sin, repentance is possible.

If you'd like to learn more about healthy sexuality, look up Dr. Jennifer Finlayson-Fife and Dr. Tammy Hill. Their podcasts and websites have more information.

https://www.finlayson-fife.com/

https://www.tammyhill.com/

The Power of Being Vulnerable

“Come and hear, all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul.”

Psalms 66:16

The culture of vulnerability that is present on Twitter is why it is my favorite form of social media. Instagram and Facebook are all about showing how awesome your life is--the vacations you’ve been on, the adventures you have with friends, and your picture-perfect family. Twitter, on the other hand, is all about joking about how much life stinks; in other words, it's about being vulnerable. People post about things like how hard it is to motivate yourself to exercise, getting sick with stress, and how adults pretend like they know what they’re doing. Personally, I can relate more to the stuff posted on Twitter. 

Putting social media aside, I really wish that in person, we were better about being vulnerable. 

As humans we often feel like we don’t belong; this feeling stems from looking at others and thinking that their life is great. If we really got to know other people by sharing our vulnerabilities and listening to others’, we would realize that we are all dealing with problems and we are not so different. In other words, by being vulnerable, we create a sense of belonging. 

I want to give three examples about how powerful it is to share our weaknesses:

One time when I was serving as a counselor in the Relief Society Presidency in a Young Single Adult Ward, I was convinced that I was completely inadequate for my calling. I was asked to teach a lesson in Relief Society and as I taught, I felt inspired to tell all of the sisters about some of these negative feelings I was having. I wept as I spoke, and I was overwhelmed with the love that the sisters had for me that day. They supported me, and afterwards many of them gave me a hug. That was easily one of the most memorable days at church that I’ve ever had. Months later, after I had moved out of that ward, that Relief Society President texted me saying that the sisters still mentioned the lesson that I had taught, saying that it had moved them. 

Another example was when I was an undergrad. I had a roommate who had been friendly with me but we hadn’t had a ton of time to get to know each other with our busy schedules. However, one evening she opened up to me about a problem she was having. I listened and talked to her for at least 2 or 3 hours straight that night. As she shared her problem with me, I felt more love for her than I ever had before. I felt the love that the Savior had for her. After that, she and I were more solid as friends, and I am so grateful that she was willing to be vulnerable with me. 

My mother is a great example of someone who is willing to be vulnerable. She has often shared her tough experiences in public. One time she said something very profound regarding this. She was asked the question, “Is it hard for you to tell your personal stories, because there are severe tragedies in them?” She answered, “Yes, of course it is hard. But there is power in telling our stories. When someone tells me their story, something happens. They become more relatable and I realize they are just human beings like I am. And we can see we are not alone. Of course we need to follow the Holy Ghost in the way and the time and the context that we share our stories. But my story does not belong to me. It really belongs to God, because He is the one who made me, and I also need to be able to testify of the miracle that He has made of my life.”

Being vulnerable has given me peace. Don't be afraid to share your story! Opening up will lead you to the healing that you need.

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Why Can't I Feel the Spirit?

I still laugh at something my therapist told me.

When I was on my mission, I went to therapy for a little while due to my depression. I told her that I was so sad that, whenever a daily miracle would happen--as they do to missionaries--I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel motivated or happy that a miracle took place right before my eyes. So my therapist said, “So you go about your day and say, ‘oh there it is, just another BORING MIRACLE.’ ” That made me laugh so hard.

But seriously, when you are depressed or anxious like me, sometimes it can feel like God has abandoned you because it's so hard to feel the Spirit when you have these issues. He hasn’t forgotten you, though; your mental health creates a cloud that leads you to believe His presence is not there. 

I have two ways to help you feel the Spirit if you can't feel it.

Forget yourself

Here’s the key to receiving revelation from the Spirit of the Lord: Forget about yourself and focus on helping someone else. If you ask God to direct you to someone who needs help, He will answer that prayer every time, guaranteed. 

David A. Bednar changed my life when he described what it means to be Christlike. He said, “Character is revealed...in the power to reach out and extend compassion for the spiritual agony of others when we are in the midst of our own spiritual distress. Thus character is demonstrated by looking and reaching outward when the natural and instinctive response is to be self-absorbed and turn inward.” (The Character of Christ, BYU-Idaho, 2003) Instead of turning inward, feeling sorry for yourself, and worrying about what people think of you, you will feel so much better if you reach out to someone who needs help. Of course you should still take care of yourself and get professional help if you have a brain health issue, though--I can’t stress that enough--but no matter what you are suffering with, you have the power to discern and alleviate someone else’s suffering. 

Talk to someone. Anyone.

Another way to cope if you don’t feel the Spirit is to simply talk to someone about how you feel. When two or more people who care about each other are talking, the Spirit is going to be there whether you recognize it or not. “To love another person is to see the face of God,” (Les Misérables.) Willingly be vulnerable and your relationships with others will strengthen.

The most recognizable means that God has answered my prayers is through other people. God has constantly sent me angels in human form. The Lord has said,

And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up. (Doctrine & Covenants 84:88)

Don’t these two thoughts contradict each other?

I realize that these two tips that I have given you may seem like paradoxes, but when you live a lifestyle of service like the Savior, you will in return receive the love and help that you need. I am so grateful that I have been called to represent Him, and I am thankful for the people in my life who have helped me see His face and hear His voice through their love for me.

Why Men Don’t Go to Therapy

Therapy has proven to be beneficial for both men and women; however, women are more likely to go to therapy than men are. So why don’t men go to therapy? With this question in mind, I did some research.

Please keep in mind that I realize not every man fits into one box; not every man fits these following descriptions. But there are noticeable patterns in men’s behavior which are worth discussing in order to help more people get therapy and medication that they need. 

The need to act “tough”

Society has created a  belief that “macho” men should avoid getting help, including going to a doctor of any kind. Men believe that “A man should always try to project an air of confidence even if he really doesn’t feel confident inside” and, “When a man is feeling pain, he shouldn’t let it show.”* This mentality should change. Personally my favorite person in the scriptures (other than Jesus) is Alma the Younger. With his family, he talked openly about his conversion story, which was a very vulnerable point in his life. He was willing to talk about the pain he felt and how scared he was. 

“Men think that talking about their emotions can make them what they consider soft. So they shut down, or sometimes become more aggressive, in their interpersonal relationships.” **

I’ve seen this happen, where men’s defense mechanism is to get angry or to completely shut someone out of their life. But it is more healthy and mature to talk things out calmly. A great example of this is Pahoran in Alma chapter 61 of the Book of Mormon. He responds to Moroni’s complaints in a very Christlike manner: he doesn’t get angry, but is very understanding and expresses his feelings calmly.

Imperfect parenting

Parents and grandparents often teach their sons that boys are strong, that they don’t cry and never complain no matter what. I strongly believe that it would be best to teach children that it is OK to cry and to express their feelings. Jesus Himself cried to His Father when He was performing the most difficult task in His life. He used the word “Abba” which translates to the tender childlike term, “Daddy.”

Asking for help is “weak”

The well known stereotype “men don’t like asking for directions” is too often true. 

Contrary to the belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness, going to therapy is actually a sign of strength and courage. It is scary to be vulnerable, but it’s also the higher road to recovery.

We are never expected to solve our problems on our own. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 28:11)

“There’s nothing wrong with me”

Men also often fail to admit or notice that something is wrong with them. Here’s a helpful mentality: “Going to therapy isn’t about something being wrong with you any more than going to the gym to work on your triceps is about something being wrong with your arms. Therapy is like seeing a trainer...Therapists have specialized knowledge and therefore can cut time for improvement.”*** It takes humility and a change of heart to acknowledge that something is wrong with you. These are admirable qualities to have.

What should be done?

With all of this said, I don’t have all of the answers to fix this problem. But I do hope to at least encourage men to open up more, and I encourage everyone to be more accepting of vulnerable men. 

If you know someone who needs help, don’t make the issue about him--make it about his behavior. Try your best to be Christlike with this: be like Jesus in that He sees individuals in who they are as a whole, He doesn’t merely focus on their weaknesses. 

*Schrad, P. (2016, December 28). Why Won't Men Go To Therapy? http://afccounselors.com/why-wont-men-go-to-therapy/

**Hubbard, S. (2020, January 28). Why I will only date men who go to therapy. https://www.vox.com/first-person/2020/1/28/21083719/men-therapy-mental-health

***Stein, J. D. (2020, May 13). 30 Excuses for Why Guys Don't Do Therapy. https://www.menshealth.com/health/a27496158/excuses-guys-make-not-going-to-therapy/

Stressing Out while Anticipating Events

Who knew a story in the Bible illustrated anxiety so well? 

Quick backstory

Jacob and Esau were brothers, children of Isaac and Rebekah. Esau was the first born son, meaning he was supposed to inherit the birthright of his father. But Jacob ended up getting the birthright, so Esau was furious with Jacob and wanted to slay him. Jacob ran away from his home so that he wouldn’t be killed.*

Today’s main story

Years pass. Jacob and Esau have separate lives as they get married and have children. Then the Lord told Jacob to return to his father’s homeland. This was not an easy task since he knew Esau was living there and they’d meet again. Jacob prayed, then he sent messengers to Esau, letting Esau know that he’d be coming. When the messengers returned to Jacob, they told him that Esau was coming with 400 men. 

This report scared Jacob; he “was greatly afraid and distressed.” (Genesis 32:7) He prayed earnestly to God. He didn’t sleep that night, fearfully anticipating the reunion with his brother. This is exactly what it feels like to have anxiety.

When Jacob and Esau finally reunited, “Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, [meaning he hugged him affectionately] and kissed him: and they wept.” (Genesis 33:4) What a beautiful twist to their story!**

Moral of the story

The point here is that oftentimes with anxiety, we make assumptions and get stressed and fearful about something that may not even happen. In other words, we make up a movie in our head that’s a psychological thriller and we star in the main role as the reluctant hero, scared out of our minds. But it turns out to be fictional!

I relate to this story of Jacob and Esau. In therapy I discovered that often my anticipation of an event was worse than the actual event. For example, when I was younger sometimes I was too anxious to go to a church activity with other single adults. I was afraid I wouldn’t know anyone there and that I would be too awkward talking to new people. But whenever I went to these activities, my experience was never all that bad. Even if my body reacted as if new people were dangerous, I didn’t die. My friends have also repeatedly assured me that I’m not awkward, even if my brain thinks I am, and I need to trust that they are telling the truth.

Jacob had reason to be afraid, and so do we. But we can trust that God will help us. He can see the entire future, while we only anticipate events that are happening in the near future. We may only see the parts of ourselves that are weak, yet God sees us as a whole, lovable, wonderful child of His. As we follow Heavenly Father’s counsel, we will see His face, as Jacob did. (Genesis 32:30; 33:10)

*This backstory is a whole different story that is worth studying in Genesis 25, 27-28.

**You will get more out of Jacob and Esau’s story if you read it in Genesis 32 and 33. I invite you to read these chapters.

Short Study Session on Self-esteem

There is not a single person I have met with perfect self-esteem. Those who seem to be exceedingly confident secretly struggle with their feelings of inadequacy.

With that in mind, recently I was reading a few verses in Doctrine and Covenants, while asking myself, “What does this teach me about self-esteem?” There, I found great teachings on poor self-esteem as well as healthy self-esteem.

In D&C 121:34-40 there are some facts about where poor self-esteem comes from. (I encourage you to think about the application to your own life. I put my examples here.)

• Heart is set upon things of the world (vs. 35.) In other words, not being focused on the things that truly matter.
• Aspiring to the honors of men (vs. 35.) For me this could mean worrying too much about what people think of me.
• Covering our sins (vs. 37.) This is due to being too ashamed to admit that I’ve done something wrong.
• Exercising control, dominion, or compulsion on someone else (vs. 37.) Anytime I’ve been rude it usually was due to my poor self-esteem.

The rest of section 121 tells us where good self-esteem comes from. (D&C 121: 41-46)

• Gentleness and meekness (vs. 41)
• “By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile” (vs. 41)
• Giving feedback or constructive criticism ONLY when guided by the Holy Ghost, and loving the person whom you’ve reproved. (vs. 42)
• Having charity, which is the love of God. (vs. 45)

When you focus on helping others, you earn healthy self-esteem. Kristen M. Oaks once explained that there is no better training for the building of self-esteem than service to others.

Here are some of the effects of having good self-esteem: (D&C 121: 45-46)

• “Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God.” (vs. 45) 
• “The doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.” (vs. 46) In other words, you will have the power of God rooted in you.
• “The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion” (vs. 46)

I invite you to read these verses and continue to study on how you can increase your self-esteem. Study and choose just one thing you can apply into your own life now to be more confident. 

***********************

Doctrine and Covenants Section 121: 34-46

34 Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?

35 Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson—

36 That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

37 That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.

38 Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God.

39 We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.

40 Hence many are called, but few are chosen.

41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile—

43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

44 That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death.

45 Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

46 The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.

What if my loved one won’t get help for their mental illness?

What can you do if someone you care about needs to get help for their brain illness but won’t go to the therapist or doctor? You can’t force them to go to therapy or take medication, so what can you do instead?

The first thing to do is to just listen. If your loved one is struggling, ask them what it is that is making them anxious or depressed. Seek to understand.

Only after you truly listen and understand their perception, then you can offer them a different perspective.

Let me give an example to illustrate. This was an exchange between me and my mom.

Recently I was overwhelmed while babysitting children. I called my mom and told her that I was struggling with this endeavor. She asked me what was wrong. I told her I didn’t feel like I was good with kids; that I was inadequate. Mom asked me why I felt that way, and I said that my patience was wearing thin too quickly, I didn’t feel like I knew how to talk to these kids, and they weren’t behaving so I felt annoyed the majority of the time instead of feeling loving towards them.

Mom listened and then she told me that it was OK for me to feel this way, since everyone feels this way sometimes. She told me that I did not have to feel like I was a “superwoman,” called to fix everyone's problems. The fact that I was there with the kids at all was a huge help to their parents. I didn’t need to be perfect, I didn’t need to completely replace the children’s parents, I just needed to do my best.

So my mom listened, sought to understand me, and then gave me a different and healthier way to think about my situation. My mom was giving me therapy. At the moment it was happening, neither of us would have called this conversation “therapy,” but looking back on this I realize that is what it was.

We can all give each other therapy. Will our “diagnosis” be as good if we are not a licensed therapist? Probably not. But this is something we should strive to do with everyone, especially if they are struggling but refuse to get help. We all want to feel loved and understood. We all want to find hope and believe that our challenges can get alleviated over time.

I don’t know how to convince someone to go to therapy. I can’t force anyone to change. But I do know that I can change the way I speak to people. I can be more loving and understanding. In other words, I can be more Christlike in my conduct. More and more do I realize that He was constantly giving people therapy. Seek to learn from the example of the Master Healer.

Literally Wanting to Die

I feel incredibly lucky that my depression was relatively mild enough that suicide was never a legitimate option of mine.

But I know that other people are not so lucky.

When I was depressed, although I never desired to harm myself in any way, I desperately wished that I would just die. My depression clouded my brain into thinking that I had nothing to offer the world and that no one would care if I were to die. I remember praying and asking Heavenly Father to take me home to Him somehow. But instead of granting me those morbid wishes, my dear, gracious Heavenly Father put people in my life to remind me of my worth. 

One day while I was suffering, a mind “exercise” I did was writing a list of kind things that people had said about me. I wrote what people had said recently as well as over the years--I just wrote anything at all that I could remember. After doing this, I realized that other’s perspective of me was a million times more positive than anything I would have said about myself. Through the kind words from these people, Heavenly Father made it clear to me that He loved me, that I was a person of great worth, and that I still had a purpose here on earth. 

Something else that gave me hope was that I would imagine how my family would react if I were to die, and I knew that it would have been extremely sad for them. Even if they were the only people on earth who cared about me, they were enough for me to want to stay alive. I also was able to hold on tight to my testimony that God really lives, that He loves me, and that He would have been really sad if I were to harm myself in any way.

A word from my mother:

“Untreated mental or emotional illness can lead to increased isolation, misunderstandings, broken relationships, self-harm, and even suicide. I know this firsthand, as my own father died by suicide many years ago. His death was shocking and heartbreaking for my family and me. It has taken me years to work through my grief, and it was only recently that I learned talking about suicide in appropriate ways actually helps to prevent it rather than encourage it. I have now openly discussed my father’s death with my children and witnessed the healing that the Savior can give on both sides of the veil.” (Reyna I. Aburto, Thru Cloud and Sunshine, Lord, Abide With Me!)

I am sad that I never got to meet my grandfather. But I am grateful to know that the Savior can heal us of our infirmities and that He overcame death so that I will meet my grandpa someday. The Lord has helped me overcome my own feelings of complete hopelessness and shaped me into the stronger person that I am today.

***

Suffering with severe depression can diminish a person’s ability to make rational decisions. If you or a loved one are thinking about suicide please get help immediately.

Here is a suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Or you can chat online when you Google “suicide hotline.”