“Repentance” is a joyful word

To a perfectionist who is anxious to avoid making mistakes, repentance can seem like a daunting task. However, we did not always feel so negative about repentance.

When we lived with Heavenly Father in the pre-mortal life, He showed us His plan. He told us we would have a Savior to make it possible for us to return to our heavenly home. We were told that one way to access the Savior’s power was to repent. We were overjoyed with this plan! We rejoiced at the concept of repentance!

Unfortunately, now that we are here on earth, rarely do we jump for joy when we think about repentance. The following story is similar to many:

There was a period in my life where I felt like I was terrible at repentance. I went to church and would listen to people discuss repentance, virtue, obedience, etc. and I felt like I was a failure with all of it. I didn’t see myself improving, forsaking my sins, being worthy, nor doing the things I was supposed to do. 

One day I talked to a friend of mine and told him how I couldn’t stop beating myself up over what I considered to be “my lack of repentance.” He told me that there are so many people who come to church with zero thought of repentance; they aren’t actually pondering about what they need to change in their lives. So he said the fact that I was even concerned with repenting at all was a sure sign that I was a good person, doing the right thing.

To add to that, author and professor Anthony Sweat once taught that being obedient to the Gospel of Jesus Christ includes repenting. He explained that being obedient by repenting sounds like an oxymoron, but it is not. Heavenly Father does not expect us to live without any flaws. Thus when we are repenting, we are absolutely making the right choice!

Another important factor to remember is that repentance has to do with looking at ourselves as a glass half full, not half empty. We can look at the good we are doing in our lives and add more good things. It is not only about removing the “bad.”

Repentance may not be immediate. Turning away from our sins and not wanting to do them anymore takes time. But let me remind you what is immediate, is that the Lord will forgive you in an instant. 

“And the Lord God hath sent his holy prophets among all the children of men, to declare these things to every kindred, nation, and tongue, that thereby whosoever should believe that Christ should come, the same might receive remission of their sins, and rejoice with exceedingly great joy,” (Mosiah 3:13, emphasis added.)

Relationship status does not equal worth

Why oh why do we measure our worth based on our relationship status? As far as we know, Jesus Christ was single while He was here on earth, so why do we act like being single is such a miserable, anxiety-filled state of life? 

I have acquaintances who have considered dating someone and then felt the Spirit confirm to them that yes, they should date this person. But then that person rejects them, or breaks up with them or something, and they ask “Why did God tell me to date this person if it didn’t work out?” 

Let’s get this straight: Just because you didn’t up marrying the person doesn’t mean that it was a bad idea to date them! I have never heard of someone marrying the first person they wanted to date; we will probably need to date around and have a mixture of good and bad experiences with dating in order to find the right person. Anxiety from negative dating experiences comes because we dwell on what went wrong, but instead we need to focus on what God wants us to learn from our experiences. For example, we need to ask yourself questions like, “What can I do to be a better partner next time? What did I learn about what I want in a partner? How can I remain pure to attract a good person?” We also need to take a step back and realize that even if we are single after many failed attempts to get out of that status, we are still capable of doing good, we still are children of a Heavenly King, and therefore we are valuable. 

We also need to understand that it is simply unrealistic to expect your dating experiences to be perfect. It’s OK for your heart to be broken. It’s OK for you to not be interested in someone you’ve gone out with and gently tell them the truth. These are uncomfortable situations to be in, but it’s part of life, and there is no problem that we have that is outside of the bounds of the love of Christ. He can help us through anything we are dealing with.

If you live your life thinking you should never be sad nor make any mistakes, that’s like living without need for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Look at each experience as an opportunity for growth and also as a way to come closer to the Savior.

Let us also be reminded that getting married is the only commandment that requires the agency of two people. It takes a miracle for two people to be in love at the same time.

Therefore, dearly beloved brethren [and sisters,] let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed. (Doctrine and Covenants 123:17)

Don't suffer in silence

I just finished reading Jane Clayson Johnson’s book, “Silent Souls Weeping: Depression - Sharing Stories, Finding Hope.” It is simply fantastic and I highly recommend it to anyone who wants to understand more about mental illnesses. 

Something that is mentioned in the book is the fact that it is absolutely crucial for people with mental health issues to share their feelings with others instead of facing their problems on their own. Johnson quotes a man who said, “Depression thrives in secrecy but shrinks in empathy.” 

It took me a really, really long time to open up about my persistent sadness to someone. But after I finally did, I wished that I had done it sooner. Once I told my family, they understood my past actions much more clearly, and we were able to fight my problems together. Suffering alone is the most hopeless way to deal with mental illness.

The more I learn about these health problems like depression, anxiety, OCD, etc., the more I recognize that so many people that I interact with most likely have one of these illnesses. And unfortunately, most people seem to keep it to themselves. They are ashamed and aren’t willing to appear vulnerable in front of others. I truly believe that being vulnerable is one of the best ways to strengthen your relationship with another person. It takes courage to share your story with others, but don’t wait any longer. You are strong. You can do this. 

If you want to help others, consider this: When I was on my mission in central California, I was constantly talking to strangers on the street and lots of times people would open up about their personal problems super quickly, even though we had literally just met. That was kind of a mystery to my companions and me. Were these people opening up because they had no one to talk to? Or was it because they could feel the Spirit that we brought with us everywhere, and the Spirit had prompted them to open up? My best guess is that both of those theories were correct. My companions and I would listen to these strangers and instantly feel love for them, and we shared with them the hope that our Savior brings. There were times when I felt inspired to ask specific questions, which helped people open up. Overall, even though my companions and I weren’t perfect "therapists," the Lord definitely worked through us to reach out to others. 

So how does this apply to our lives when we aren’t full-time missionaries? It’s important to be kind to others, strangers and acquaintances alike, because you don’t know who is secretly lonely. It’s important to listen with love, and listen to understand, not necessarily to give advice. It’s important to be close to the Holy Spirit in order to feel its promptings. Even if you don’t recognize the Spirit in your life, I promise that as you do what is right, you will be guided in the correct direction without you even knowing exactly how things fell into place. 

You CAN help someone who is silently drowning right now. You CAN escape your private sufferings by sharing your feelings of agony with others. You CAN overcome any obstacle with the help of our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, whose love you can feel through the people who surround you.

"Patience" is an action word

When I first started going to therapy, my healing process seemed excruciatingly slow, or even non-existent. There were so many times where I told myself that I was never going to feel better. It felt pointless to try and fix my mental health issues when I could not see any solid progress, nor any fruits of my efforts.

We are taught to be patient. The scriptures use the word “fruit” when describing something like the “fruits” of your actions. Think about an apple tree. How long does it take to plant it, water it, nurture it before you finally get to enjoy an apple? It can take around 5-8 years for an apple tree to produce fruit. But the time that was taken to take care of the tree before seeing the resulting fruits bloomed was not a waste of time. Rather, it was essential to take that time for the tree to grow strong and produce good fruit.

Do we realize that “patience” is an action word? Having patience does not only mean we sit around and wait for something to change. In the case of suffering with anxiety or depression, being patient with it means that we search for the right doctor and therapist, that we keep training our brains to think differently and/or we try out different medication. You are not going to feel better overnight, so you must believe that your efforts are not in vain and someday you will see the fruits of your actions.

In Galatians 5:22-23 “the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance:” These feelings that are described in this scripture are a result of our actions when we do what is right. It can take time for a depressed or anxious person to feel peace, joy, or faith. Do not give up in your pursuit of these feelings. The Lord has said:

“Be patient in afflictions, for thou shalt have many; but endure them, for, lo, I am with thee, even unto the end of thy days.” (D&C 24:8)

Fear about the Future

It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is.

It all works out. Don’t worry.

I say that to myself every morning.

It will all work out.

Put your trust in God,

and move forward with faith

and confidence in the future.

The Lord will not forsake us.

He will not forsake us.

If we will put our trust in Him,

if we will pray to Him,

if we will live worthy of His blessings,

He will hear our prayers.

-Gordon B. Hinckley “Put Your Trust in God”

Constantly, I am afraid of the challenges that lie ahead of me.

For example, at the beginning of a new semester at school, I get overwhelmed when I see the class outlines of the whole semester. I look at all that has to be done and I think, “How am I going to do all of this?”

This also happens when I get a new calling in church. Or when I think about how I am graduating at the end of this year and I am not 100% positive on what will happen next. My limited vision of the future scares me non-stop, but I have learned how to cope.

The main idea is that, in your mind, the future can be broken down into small doses. Don’t worry about everything all at once, but rather take it in bite-sized pieces.

For example, I recently had to write a research paper for one of my classes. As I read the rubric it felt like too much work. So instead of being overwhelmed with the whole process of writing this paper, I gave myself baby steps and I refused to procrastinate. I designated a day where I would find 3 sources to cite, and told myself the next day I would find an additional 3 sources. Then I would write for at least 10 minutes a day over the course of many days. This helped me avoid anxiety and stress, and I was able to write the paper with no problem.

Breaking down things into baby steps has helped me numerous times. I often tell myself, “Right now I just need to go to the doctor,” instead of excessively worrying about what is wrong with my incredibly sore throat, or “Right now I just need to go buy dessert for the party,” instead of worrying about how anxious I am going to be at the party, or “Right now I just need to practice this small section of this long Beethoven piece,” instead of worrying that I am never going to learn how to play the piece fast enough or good enough for my final, graded performance.

As long as I am working hard and doing what I know is right, there is no need to worry so much.

David A. Bednar once said the following which I feel applies to our fears about the future. (In reality the context behind this is that he addressed the question of how to differentiate between our own thoughts and what the Holy Spirit tells us, but his quote also applies to worrying about our future.)

“Quit worrying about it...You be a good boy, you be a good girl, you honor your covenants, you keep the commandments; and I promise you in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ that as you press forward with faith in Christ, your footsteps will be guided. As you open your mouth, it will be filled, and you will be where you need to be, and most of the time, you will not even have any idea how you got there.”

It’s so true. I have looked back on my life and seen how much I have been guided without even realizing it, and I know that in the future I will continue to receive inspired direction. I know Heavenly Father has incredible future plans for each of His children.

How to Date When You Are Scared to Death

In one way or another, most people have some fear and anxiety about this topic.

Asking someone out

Anxiety drives people to make negative assumptions about themselves. For example, say a guy likes a girl but he doesn’t think he’s good enough for her. I have heard people say phrases similar to “On a scale from one to ten, she is a ten and I am a four.” What evidence do you have that you are a four? How can you be so sure that she is going to say no when you ask her out? Lots of times there is no concrete proof that she is not going to be interested.

Rejection

The worst that can happen is that the person you ask out says no. Is it really the end of world if that were to happen? No matter what your situation is, if you are both single, you need to try. Recognize that you are a courageous champion for even trying. Don’t allow rejection to paralyze you forever. Just because one person says no does not mean that everyone will do the same.

Going on dates

For me personally, it is easy to ask the guy out, but this is the part that gives me anxiety. Right before I go on a date, I start to worry about what he will think of me, and get flooded with self-conscious thoughts. But I have found an excellent cure for this negativity. Allow me to share the best dating advice I have ever received:

When you go on a date, treat it as a chance to serve the other person.

I feel like this advice is usually given to people who are already married. If you love someone enough to marry them, you should serve them to show how much you care. So it makes sense that even before marriage, from the very start, you should serve the other person.

It truly doesn’t take that much to serve your date. When I have gone on dates, I try my best to listen to what the gentleman has to say, show genuine interest in what he says, try to make him laugh, etc. By doing things like that, I can no longer focus on my weaknesses and my anxiety is overcome. I am impressed by guys who do small acts of kindness for me, too. I have had dates where the guys have offered me their jacket, or held doors open for me, or they have given me genuine compliments. Their seemingly small actions prove to me that they are more concerned with my comfort than they are about themselves or their weaknesses, and that is really sweet and charming!

Conclusion

By serving someone else, you become your best self. Jeffrey R. Holland once said, “True love blooms when we care more about another person than we care about ourselves. That is Christ’s great atoning example for us, and it ought to be more evident in the kindness we show, the respect we give, and the selflessness and courtesy we employ in our personal relationships.” (“How Do I Love Thee?” Brigham Young University devotional, Feb. 15, 2000.) I add my testimony to his that Christ is the best example we have in every aspect of our lives. I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us and that it is His work and His glory to help us be successful in starting our own families. (See Moses 1:39)

A Positive Form of Anxiety

As I have read the Book of Mormon over the last few months, I have noticed the word “anxiety” jump out multiple times. Every time it appears, there is a positive connotation to it.

Here are some examples:

Near the end of his life, the prophet Lehi addresses his children saying, “I desire that ye should remember to observe the statutes and the judgments of the Lord; behold, this hath been the anxiety of my soul from the beginning.” (2 Nephi 1:16, emphasis added)

The prophet Jacob explains how he was able to receive revelation for his people. “For because of faith and great anxiety, it truly had been made manifest unto us concerning our people, what things should happen unto them.” (Jacob 1:5, emphasis added)

When the prophet Alma taught the people of Ammonihah, he told them, “My brethren, I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would hearken unto my words, and cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance;” (Alma 13:27 emphasis added)

The word “anxiety” always has to do with someone being so faithful and considerate that they became anxious over the people they love. To me, I felt that Heavenly Father was telling me through these scriptures that having anxiety is not always a bad thing.

Having fear can mean that you are cautious, caring of other people’s feelings, think before you speak, etc. Think about the opposite of those things: having no fear would make a person thoughtless, neglectful, loose-tongued, etc.

Anxiety is a loving attribute of a parent. My mom has shown me to be scared when I see young children with their fingers too close to a door where they can get smashed. My parents taught me to have fear when driving a car, in order not to cause anyone unnecessary harm. Even now, though I am grown up and live a state away, my parents still let me know how much they worry about me and are willing to help me with anything. Through their anxiety, my family has shown me how much they love me.

Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ have given me people who are anxious about my well-being, as well as people who I anxiously love. They give me people to love so that I can imagine how much They love me.

The Beauty of being Broken

"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
 And I will try to fix you."
-Coldplay

Recently I learned about Kintsugi. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with liquid that is mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Imagine that: taking some broken pottery and fixing it so that it is not exactly the same, but it looks more impressive than it did before. 

Similarly, I know that the Lord works this way with us. He is willing to take us no matter how broken we are. He sees beauty and growth in one who is broken.

The Lord uses hard times to shape us. As hard as my life has been, I am grateful for these trials which have refined me.

“For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.”             (1 Nephi 20:10)

I’ve mentioned before that I have experienced the downward spiral of being both socially anxious and depressed. I felt anxious around people and sought isolation, but the isolation made me depressed. With that in mind, something that was brought to my attention this week was the following idea: Isolation is the opposite of God’s plan for us. All He wants is for us to achieve salvation and eternal life with our families. The only thing you will take with you into the afterlife is your relationships. 

Many times I have felt broken when it comes to relationships. There have been times where I felt like I didn’t have anyone to turn to, because I could only focus on negative experiences I had in the past, or I was too worried about what people would think of me. But Heavenly Father put me in positions where I had to associate with other people. While I served Him by serving others, God “repaired” my perception of others. I was able to discover that people do, in fact, like to be around me. A friend of mine sincerely praised my fantastic ability at making friends, which was shocking to me since it was something I never considered to be a strength of mine. Others have told me that I am easy to get along with, which was again another shock. God had told me in my patriarchal blessing* (which I received as a teenager years before) that I would have many friends, but I never believed that statement until He sent these friends of mine to tell me straight-up.

God is so anxious to fix you. By following His commandments I have been made a better person, and I’m experiencing a life that is so much more amazing than I would have dreamed of years ago. He has taken my broken pieces and made a masterpiece.

Consider these words of an old Protestant hymn:

Have Thine own way, Lord!/Have Thine own way!/Thou art the Potter;/I am the clay.

Mould me and make me/After Thy will,/While I am waiting,/Yielded and still.

(“Have Thine Own Way, Lord,” The Cokesbury Worship Hymnal, no. 72.)

*As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a patriarchal blessing is a blessing given to you which I would describe as personal scripture. It tells each of us personalized guidelines, promises, and our declaration of lineage in the House of Israel.

Peace in Chaos

I once heard the following statement which I fell in love with: “In chaos, there is often confusion. And in confusion, there is surprisingly clarity.” What does that mean?! Here is how I interpret it:

When we go through some kind of conflict in our lives, our true character comes out. Are you the kind of person that, during hard times, is still patient? Service-oriented? Kind? Or do you play the victim? Turn against others? Harden your heart? Seeing how someone reacts during a frustrating situation can demonstrate a lot about that person. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say that you are a terrible person if you can’t control yourself in the midst of affliction. And I’m not going to pretend like I am always the best at keeping myself together during conflict. But I have found some principles that have helped me have peace in the depths of despair. I read a talk by Sherrie Mills Johnson titled “The Intelligent Use of Agency” which was really great and you should read it if you want more detail. Here is just a brief summary of what she talked about:

• We have no control over pain, but we do have control over how we react to it. 
• Don’t inflict more pain on yourself by denying Jesus Christ. “When a person has repented and yet continues to wallow in feelings of guilt by thinking, What I’ve done is too bad--I can never be forgiven! He or she is denying Christ.”
• We have the gift of moral agency, which means we can choose to be miserable or to be happy. In her example she essentially asks, “Are you going to complain about what your husband does? Or are you grateful you have a husband at all?”

I know when someone is suffering with depression, it’s not that simple to just choose happiness. This is why I am continually mentioning a doctor’s help, because no matter how many self-help books or positive quotes you read, you are not going to be able to feel better until you go to the doctor!! But whether you have depression or not, mastering these principles will help you have peace.

I am grateful for the example we have of the Savior. He is truly the champion of being peaceful during conflict. No one had a more hard trial than He when He suffered for all of the “pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind...of his people” (Alma 7:11) in the Garden of Gethsemane. Yet even during this excruciatingly difficult time, He was willing to do what His Father asked. He could have been annoyed that His friends didn’t stay awake to support Him. He could have “played the victim” after this event. Yet instead He was still the same service-oriented, warm-hearted, peace-giving person that He always was. We can all follow the Savior’s example, come close to Him, and achieve peace.

Asking for Help is NOT Weakness

I personally know many people who have problems similar to mine. There are too many people suffering with depression, anger issues, anxiety of some sort (not necessarily social anxiety like mine), Obsessive-compulsive disorder, etc. But the thing that sincerely worries me is that some people just won’t accept that they have a problem.

Accept it. Accept it now. You need help. It’s OK to ask for help. To ask for help is a sign of courage and strength. Frankly, it is unwise to do nothing.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, the apostle Paul is speaking about the Lord.

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

I love the way Paul worded this principle. We’ve all heard the saying, “Nobody’s perfect.” But have you ever thought about why humans were meant to be this way? I feel that Paul is trying to say that we are given weakness so that we can ask the Lord for help. The Lord wants to guide us, but we have to ask for it and actively seek it. He anxiously yearns for us to turn to Him for aid. So in a way, we should be grateful for our trials and weaknesses because they are the reason that we learn to rely on the Savior and recognize His power in our lives.

After I started going to therapy, I thought to myself, “Literally everyone I know should try going to therapy at least once in their life. It’s life-changing.” But again, I repeat, most people don’t want to go to therapy to ask for help. JUST DO IT. Seriously. Once you go you’ll see why I so desperately want you to do this.

Our loving Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ do not expect you to get through health issues by yourself. They have provided you with doctors who have the knowledge to help you. Please please PLEASE accept Their divine love and open arms by seeking Their support.

“Behold, I will heal thee.” (2 Kings 20:5)

Recognizing Jesus' Hand in my Storm

I just experienced one of the most overwhelming weeks of my life. Interestingly, it’s also been one of the most miracle-filled weeks that I can remember.

Because I have social anxiety, it can be hard for me to be around people but I realize that connecting with people is so key to finding happiness and to feel God’s love. I was absolutely able to feel His love for me through many people this week, even though my anxiety was at a very high level. Here are some stories about what happened:

Firstly, I am taking a class to learn how to be a seminary teacher*. As part of this class, I signed up to teach early-morning seminary for 3 days this week. On my first day, I was prepared to leave at a reasonably early time but then as I got to my car, I realized that there was ice completely frozen solid on my car. I thought I had an ice-scraper in my car but I did not, so I tried using my student ID card to get the ice off of my car but it did not work. I didn’t have time to think of any other solutions without being late to my first day of teaching. Miraculously, a girl was parked right in front of my car and she was getting the ice off of her car at the same time as I was, at around 6:45 am. This girl was the only other person in the entire parking lot at that early hour. She saw that I needed help, and offered to use her ice-scraper on all of the windows of my car. I was able to make it on time thanks to her.

Second, as you can imagine, teaching in front of lots of people gives me anxiety. One of the teenage girls from this seminary class told me that she really loved my teaching style. She has no idea how much I needed to hear that.

Next, I was able to talk to a friend of mine about my anxiety. He listened and then told me only positive things about myself. The things that he said were astounding to me. He is a very blunt and honest person and the positive things that he told me really gave me confidence because I knew that he was telling the truth and he wasn’t just making them up to make me feel better.

Additionally, another friend of mine told me she was praying for me this week, and that is honestly one of the best things that I could have been told.

One day this week, my music theory teacher decided to read Richard G. Scott’s talk titled “Trust in the Lord,” which is one of my all-time favorite talks and something that I definitely needed to be reminded of this week. It’s crazy that she chose to have us all listen to this talk together as a class instead of doing music theory, but it was a blessing for me for sure, and I know it wasn’t just a coincidence. In his talk, Elder Scott discusses about how we need to get out of our comfort zones in order to grow, and that our trials are evidence that God loves us and knows we are ready to blossom.

I attended stake conference on Saturday and Sunday** and every talk given there seemed to be directed at me.

I know that Heavenly Father sent me these people this week. I am so grateful for their willingness to follow the Spirit and to minister to me at a time of great stress for me. They helped me more than they know. I testify that as you help other people you are on the Lord’s errand, and you provide the calm to their storm.

*Seminary is a class where high-school aged kids go to learn about the scriptures.

**Stake conference is when several congregations (also known as wards) of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gather together.