Don’t confuse the Gospel with the Church

I am grateful to have been raised in a home where the Gospel of Jesus Christ was taught. As a child I gained my own testimony of the Savior. I loved the teachings that I found about Him in the scriptures and The Friend (a Church magazine for children.) But there was one giant thing that really, really bothered me about His commandments.

Having to go to church.

Before I realized that I had social anxiety, I couldn’t understand why this commandment was so excruciatingly hard for me to follow. As a child I felt attacked whenever fellow church members would tease me about how silent I was. Looking back, I doubt anyone ever purposely meant to hurt my feelings, but I just didn’t like to be bluntly reminded about my one giant weakness. I interpreted what these people said to mean something like, “Look at how self-conscious you are!” or “You are so boring.” It was awful. I never looked forward to going to church, and these feelings stuck with me for years.

In my prayers I would ask God, “Why is going to church the hardest part of my week?” I was upset because I knew that the Church was supposed to be like a hospital for broken people, but whenever I went I felt more beat up and more hopeless.

So why did I keep going to church? Why didn’t I just give up and leave the Church?

Because the Gospel is not the same as going to church.

The Church is full of imperfect people who may offend you sometimes. Going to church gave me anxiety throughout my life because I was surrounded by so many people whom I thought would judge me for my weaknesses instead of attempt to help me.

The Gospel, on the other hand, consists of the teachings of Jesus Christ. I held on to the testimony of Jesus that I gained as a child and continued to nourish it, continually strengthening my conversion to the Lord. The way to nourish a testimony is to act upon the principles that you believe. Through obedience, I have been able to feel the Spirit testify to me that the Lord truly knows me personally. He knows all of the struggles I’ve gone through. He is my greatest source of comfort.

As an adult, of course I was old enough to decide for myself if I wanted to go to church or not. On the Sundays where I felt the worst about myself, I chose to go to church with questions and concerns on my mind, and through a speaker or teacher at church I would hear the answer to my prayers. Even as hard as it was for me to attend church, I always knew it was the right thing for me to do. The Lord taught me personally at church, and instead of ignoring Him and taking the easy way out by skipping church, I continued to go, and I was blessed for my obedience.

To be honest, going to church still scares me sometimes. But now that I know that I have social anxiety, I am able to cope with my feelings better, and going to church is not the worst thing in the world anymore. In fact, I am grateful that the Lord commands us to gather at church. We humans are social animals that need each other to be strengthened. We need to teach each other the Gospel. We need to help each other to act upon the principles that we believe.

I now have a strong testimony that we do need to go to church, and I can’t imagine how much worse my life would be if I didn’t go. The Church is true. Jesus loves you.

Fear Thou Not

I recently found out that I have social anxiety. This is what my life used to be like before I came to this realization.

When I was in the same room as anyone else my body would react as if I was in grave danger. For example, one day when I was checking out a DVD from the public library, I used a self-checkout system. The machine wouldn’t accept my cash to pay for the rental. I was afraid that people in line behind me would see me and think I looked ridiculous as I put my coins into the machine and it would spit them back out. My heart started beating fast. I felt my face getting hot. What I did not know at the time was that these feelings were all signs of a panic attack.

These panic attacks happened much too often. They happened anytime I was supposed to speak in front of my class at school, or when my visiting teachers came over to see me*, or even when I was with my own family members at times!

The fear of what others thought of me was just too much for my body to handle. I looked for safety in being alone. But that loneliness was what led to my depression. The irony of feeling anxious around people was that I desperately yearned for healthy relationships with those same people. But my anxiety made it extremely difficult for any relationships to blossom, and so I became depressed.

As you can see, my anxiety really interfered with my life. But the reason I decided to share my thoughts on my mental disorders is because I don’t want anyone to suffer with this kind of stuff alone. There is hope.

I’m just going to be honest. I believe one of the reasons why I did not come to this realization sooner is because in the Latino culture, most people do not believe in these kinds of mental health issues. Now that I know that I have this problem, I know that a lot of my friends and acquaintances have similar issues. And some of them aren’t seeking help, especially among the Latinos that I know. Don’t think that you need to fight through these issues on your own. I got professional help and I started taking medication, and my life has been easier ever since. I am grateful that God has provided me with doctors who have helped me, and also with help from the scriptures, temples, and prayers.

Years ago, I was studying the scriptures one day, seeking guidance for an extremely difficult task that I had ahead of me. I read a verse in the Bible that has stuck with me ever since. The Lord gives these comforting words,

“ ^aFear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.” (Isaiah 41:10)

As someone who experiences fear on nearly a daily basis, this verse reminds me that I don’t need to be afraid when I have an Almighty hand holding mine. I can truly testify that we are not alone in our trials. The Lord has been with me through it all. He has given me strength, power, knowledge, and understanding.

For the next couple of weeks I will be writing in more detail about how I have obtained more positive feelings about myself, thanks to the help I received from Heaven.

*In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we as members are all assigned to serve and befriend other people. This calling’s title used to be “visiting teachers” for females and “home teachers” for males. Recently our prophet and church leaders have changed the name of this calling to be called ministering sisters and brothers.