Don’t confuse the Gospel with the Church

I am grateful to have been raised in a home where the Gospel of Jesus Christ was taught. As a child I gained my own testimony of the Savior. I loved the teachings that I found about Him in the scriptures and The Friend (a Church magazine for children.) But there was one giant thing that really, really bothered me about His commandments.

Having to go to church.

Before I realized that I had social anxiety, I couldn’t understand why this commandment was so excruciatingly hard for me to follow. As a child I felt attacked whenever fellow church members would tease me about how silent I was. Looking back, I doubt anyone ever purposely meant to hurt my feelings, but I just didn’t like to be bluntly reminded about my one giant weakness. I interpreted what these people said to mean something like, “Look at how self-conscious you are!” or “You are so boring.” It was awful. I never looked forward to going to church, and these feelings stuck with me for years.

In my prayers I would ask God, “Why is going to church the hardest part of my week?” I was upset because I knew that the Church was supposed to be like a hospital for broken people, but whenever I went I felt more beat up and more hopeless.

So why did I keep going to church? Why didn’t I just give up and leave the Church?

Because the Gospel is not the same as going to church.

The Church is full of imperfect people who may offend you sometimes. Going to church gave me anxiety throughout my life because I was surrounded by so many people whom I thought would judge me for my weaknesses instead of attempt to help me.

The Gospel, on the other hand, consists of the teachings of Jesus Christ. I held on to the testimony of Jesus that I gained as a child and continued to nourish it, continually strengthening my conversion to the Lord. The way to nourish a testimony is to act upon the principles that you believe. Through obedience, I have been able to feel the Spirit testify to me that the Lord truly knows me personally. He knows all of the struggles I’ve gone through. He is my greatest source of comfort.

As an adult, of course I was old enough to decide for myself if I wanted to go to church or not. On the Sundays where I felt the worst about myself, I chose to go to church with questions and concerns on my mind, and through a speaker or teacher at church I would hear the answer to my prayers. Even as hard as it was for me to attend church, I always knew it was the right thing for me to do. The Lord taught me personally at church, and instead of ignoring Him and taking the easy way out by skipping church, I continued to go, and I was blessed for my obedience.

To be honest, going to church still scares me sometimes. But now that I know that I have social anxiety, I am able to cope with my feelings better, and going to church is not the worst thing in the world anymore. In fact, I am grateful that the Lord commands us to gather at church. We humans are social animals that need each other to be strengthened. We need to teach each other the Gospel. We need to help each other to act upon the principles that we believe.

I now have a strong testimony that we do need to go to church, and I can’t imagine how much worse my life would be if I didn’t go. The Church is true. Jesus loves you.