Therapy has proven to be beneficial for both men and women; however, women are more likely to go to therapy than men are. So why don’t men go to therapy? With this question in mind, I did some research.
Please keep in mind that I realize not every man fits into one box; not every man fits these following descriptions. But there are noticeable patterns in men’s behavior which are worth discussing in order to help more people get therapy and medication that they need.
The need to act “tough”
Society has created a belief that “macho” men should avoid getting help, including going to a doctor of any kind. Men believe that “A man should always try to project an air of confidence even if he really doesn’t feel confident inside” and, “When a man is feeling pain, he shouldn’t let it show.”* This mentality should change. Personally my favorite person in the scriptures (other than Jesus) is Alma the Younger. With his family, he talked openly about his conversion story, which was a very vulnerable point in his life. He was willing to talk about the pain he felt and how scared he was.
“Men think that talking about their emotions can make them what they consider soft. So they shut down, or sometimes become more aggressive, in their interpersonal relationships.” **
I’ve seen this happen, where men’s defense mechanism is to get angry or to completely shut someone out of their life. But it is more healthy and mature to talk things out calmly. A great example of this is Pahoran in Alma chapter 61 of the Book of Mormon. He responds to Moroni’s complaints in a very Christlike manner: he doesn’t get angry, but is very understanding and expresses his feelings calmly.
Imperfect parenting
Parents and grandparents often teach their sons that boys are strong, that they don’t cry and never complain no matter what. I strongly believe that it would be best to teach children that it is OK to cry and to express their feelings. Jesus Himself cried to His Father when He was performing the most difficult task in His life. He used the word “Abba” which translates to the tender childlike term, “Daddy.”
Asking for help is “weak”
The well known stereotype “men don’t like asking for directions” is too often true.
Contrary to the belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness, going to therapy is actually a sign of strength and courage. It is scary to be vulnerable, but it’s also the higher road to recovery.
We are never expected to solve our problems on our own. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 28:11)
“There’s nothing wrong with me”
Men also often fail to admit or notice that something is wrong with them. Here’s a helpful mentality: “Going to therapy isn’t about something being wrong with you any more than going to the gym to work on your triceps is about something being wrong with your arms. Therapy is like seeing a trainer...Therapists have specialized knowledge and therefore can cut time for improvement.”*** It takes humility and a change of heart to acknowledge that something is wrong with you. These are admirable qualities to have.
What should be done?
With all of this said, I don’t have all of the answers to fix this problem. But I do hope to at least encourage men to open up more, and I encourage everyone to be more accepting of vulnerable men.
If you know someone who needs help, don’t make the issue about him--make it about his behavior. Try your best to be Christlike with this: be like Jesus in that He sees individuals in who they are as a whole, He doesn’t merely focus on their weaknesses.
*Schrad, P. (2016, December 28). Why Won't Men Go To Therapy? http://afccounselors.com/why-wont-men-go-to-therapy/
**Hubbard, S. (2020, January 28). Why I will only date men who go to therapy. https://www.vox.com/first-person/2020/1/28/21083719/men-therapy-mental-health
***Stein, J. D. (2020, May 13). 30 Excuses for Why Guys Don't Do Therapy. https://www.menshealth.com/health/a27496158/excuses-guys-make-not-going-to-therapy/
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