A Positive Form of Anxiety

As I have read the Book of Mormon over the last few months, I have noticed the word “anxiety” jump out multiple times. Every time it appears, there is a positive connotation to it.

Here are some examples:

Near the end of his life, the prophet Lehi addresses his children saying, “I desire that ye should remember to observe the statutes and the judgments of the Lord; behold, this hath been the anxiety of my soul from the beginning.” (2 Nephi 1:16, emphasis added)

The prophet Jacob explains how he was able to receive revelation for his people. “For because of faith and great anxiety, it truly had been made manifest unto us concerning our people, what things should happen unto them.” (Jacob 1:5, emphasis added)

When the prophet Alma taught the people of Ammonihah, he told them, “My brethren, I wish from the inmost part of my heart, yea, with great anxiety even unto pain, that ye would hearken unto my words, and cast off your sins, and not procrastinate the day of your repentance;” (Alma 13:27 emphasis added)

The word “anxiety” always has to do with someone being so faithful and considerate that they became anxious over the people they love. To me, I felt that Heavenly Father was telling me through these scriptures that having anxiety is not always a bad thing.

Having fear can mean that you are cautious, caring of other people’s feelings, think before you speak, etc. Think about the opposite of those things: having no fear would make a person thoughtless, neglectful, loose-tongued, etc.

Anxiety is a loving attribute of a parent. My mom has shown me to be scared when I see young children with their fingers too close to a door where they can get smashed. My parents taught me to have fear when driving a car, in order not to cause anyone unnecessary harm. Even now, though I am grown up and live a state away, my parents still let me know how much they worry about me and are willing to help me with anything. Through their anxiety, my family has shown me how much they love me.

Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ have given me people who are anxious about my well-being, as well as people who I anxiously love. They give me people to love so that I can imagine how much They love me.

The Beauty of being Broken

"Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
 And I will try to fix you."
-Coldplay

Recently I learned about Kintsugi. Kintsugi is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with liquid that is mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Imagine that: taking some broken pottery and fixing it so that it is not exactly the same, but it looks more impressive than it did before. 

Similarly, I know that the Lord works this way with us. He is willing to take us no matter how broken we are. He sees beauty and growth in one who is broken.

The Lord uses hard times to shape us. As hard as my life has been, I am grateful for these trials which have refined me.

“For, behold, I have refined thee, I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.”             (1 Nephi 20:10)

I’ve mentioned before that I have experienced the downward spiral of being both socially anxious and depressed. I felt anxious around people and sought isolation, but the isolation made me depressed. With that in mind, something that was brought to my attention this week was the following idea: Isolation is the opposite of God’s plan for us. All He wants is for us to achieve salvation and eternal life with our families. The only thing you will take with you into the afterlife is your relationships. 

Many times I have felt broken when it comes to relationships. There have been times where I felt like I didn’t have anyone to turn to, because I could only focus on negative experiences I had in the past, or I was too worried about what people would think of me. But Heavenly Father put me in positions where I had to associate with other people. While I served Him by serving others, God “repaired” my perception of others. I was able to discover that people do, in fact, like to be around me. A friend of mine sincerely praised my fantastic ability at making friends, which was shocking to me since it was something I never considered to be a strength of mine. Others have told me that I am easy to get along with, which was again another shock. God had told me in my patriarchal blessing* (which I received as a teenager years before) that I would have many friends, but I never believed that statement until He sent these friends of mine to tell me straight-up.

God is so anxious to fix you. By following His commandments I have been made a better person, and I’m experiencing a life that is so much more amazing than I would have dreamed of years ago. He has taken my broken pieces and made a masterpiece.

Consider these words of an old Protestant hymn:

Have Thine own way, Lord!/Have Thine own way!/Thou art the Potter;/I am the clay.

Mould me and make me/After Thy will,/While I am waiting,/Yielded and still.

(“Have Thine Own Way, Lord,” The Cokesbury Worship Hymnal, no. 72.)

*As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, a patriarchal blessing is a blessing given to you which I would describe as personal scripture. It tells each of us personalized guidelines, promises, and our declaration of lineage in the House of Israel.

Peace in Chaos

I once heard the following statement which I fell in love with: “In chaos, there is often confusion. And in confusion, there is surprisingly clarity.” What does that mean?! Here is how I interpret it:

When we go through some kind of conflict in our lives, our true character comes out. Are you the kind of person that, during hard times, is still patient? Service-oriented? Kind? Or do you play the victim? Turn against others? Harden your heart? Seeing how someone reacts during a frustrating situation can demonstrate a lot about that person. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to say that you are a terrible person if you can’t control yourself in the midst of affliction. And I’m not going to pretend like I am always the best at keeping myself together during conflict. But I have found some principles that have helped me have peace in the depths of despair. I read a talk by Sherrie Mills Johnson titled “The Intelligent Use of Agency” which was really great and you should read it if you want more detail. Here is just a brief summary of what she talked about:

• We have no control over pain, but we do have control over how we react to it. 
• Don’t inflict more pain on yourself by denying Jesus Christ. “When a person has repented and yet continues to wallow in feelings of guilt by thinking, What I’ve done is too bad--I can never be forgiven! He or she is denying Christ.”
• We have the gift of moral agency, which means we can choose to be miserable or to be happy. In her example she essentially asks, “Are you going to complain about what your husband does? Or are you grateful you have a husband at all?”

I know when someone is suffering with depression, it’s not that simple to just choose happiness. This is why I am continually mentioning a doctor’s help, because no matter how many self-help books or positive quotes you read, you are not going to be able to feel better until you go to the doctor!! But whether you have depression or not, mastering these principles will help you have peace.

I am grateful for the example we have of the Savior. He is truly the champion of being peaceful during conflict. No one had a more hard trial than He when He suffered for all of the “pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind...of his people” (Alma 7:11) in the Garden of Gethsemane. Yet even during this excruciatingly difficult time, He was willing to do what His Father asked. He could have been annoyed that His friends didn’t stay awake to support Him. He could have “played the victim” after this event. Yet instead He was still the same service-oriented, warm-hearted, peace-giving person that He always was. We can all follow the Savior’s example, come close to Him, and achieve peace.

Asking for Help is NOT Weakness

I personally know many people who have problems similar to mine. There are too many people suffering with depression, anger issues, anxiety of some sort (not necessarily social anxiety like mine), Obsessive-compulsive disorder, etc. But the thing that sincerely worries me is that some people just won’t accept that they have a problem.

Accept it. Accept it now. You need help. It’s OK to ask for help. To ask for help is a sign of courage and strength. Frankly, it is unwise to do nothing.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, the apostle Paul is speaking about the Lord.

“And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”

I love the way Paul worded this principle. We’ve all heard the saying, “Nobody’s perfect.” But have you ever thought about why humans were meant to be this way? I feel that Paul is trying to say that we are given weakness so that we can ask the Lord for help. The Lord wants to guide us, but we have to ask for it and actively seek it. He anxiously yearns for us to turn to Him for aid. So in a way, we should be grateful for our trials and weaknesses because they are the reason that we learn to rely on the Savior and recognize His power in our lives.

After I started going to therapy, I thought to myself, “Literally everyone I know should try going to therapy at least once in their life. It’s life-changing.” But again, I repeat, most people don’t want to go to therapy to ask for help. JUST DO IT. Seriously. Once you go you’ll see why I so desperately want you to do this.

Our loving Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ do not expect you to get through health issues by yourself. They have provided you with doctors who have the knowledge to help you. Please please PLEASE accept Their divine love and open arms by seeking Their support.

“Behold, I will heal thee.” (2 Kings 20:5)

Recognizing Jesus' Hand in my Storm

I just experienced one of the most overwhelming weeks of my life. Interestingly, it’s also been one of the most miracle-filled weeks that I can remember.

Because I have social anxiety, it can be hard for me to be around people but I realize that connecting with people is so key to finding happiness and to feel God’s love. I was absolutely able to feel His love for me through many people this week, even though my anxiety was at a very high level. Here are some stories about what happened:

Firstly, I am taking a class to learn how to be a seminary teacher*. As part of this class, I signed up to teach early-morning seminary for 3 days this week. On my first day, I was prepared to leave at a reasonably early time but then as I got to my car, I realized that there was ice completely frozen solid on my car. I thought I had an ice-scraper in my car but I did not, so I tried using my student ID card to get the ice off of my car but it did not work. I didn’t have time to think of any other solutions without being late to my first day of teaching. Miraculously, a girl was parked right in front of my car and she was getting the ice off of her car at the same time as I was, at around 6:45 am. This girl was the only other person in the entire parking lot at that early hour. She saw that I needed help, and offered to use her ice-scraper on all of the windows of my car. I was able to make it on time thanks to her.

Second, as you can imagine, teaching in front of lots of people gives me anxiety. One of the teenage girls from this seminary class told me that she really loved my teaching style. She has no idea how much I needed to hear that.

Next, I was able to talk to a friend of mine about my anxiety. He listened and then told me only positive things about myself. The things that he said were astounding to me. He is a very blunt and honest person and the positive things that he told me really gave me confidence because I knew that he was telling the truth and he wasn’t just making them up to make me feel better.

Additionally, another friend of mine told me she was praying for me this week, and that is honestly one of the best things that I could have been told.

One day this week, my music theory teacher decided to read Richard G. Scott’s talk titled “Trust in the Lord,” which is one of my all-time favorite talks and something that I definitely needed to be reminded of this week. It’s crazy that she chose to have us all listen to this talk together as a class instead of doing music theory, but it was a blessing for me for sure, and I know it wasn’t just a coincidence. In his talk, Elder Scott discusses about how we need to get out of our comfort zones in order to grow, and that our trials are evidence that God loves us and knows we are ready to blossom.

I attended stake conference on Saturday and Sunday** and every talk given there seemed to be directed at me.

I know that Heavenly Father sent me these people this week. I am so grateful for their willingness to follow the Spirit and to minister to me at a time of great stress for me. They helped me more than they know. I testify that as you help other people you are on the Lord’s errand, and you provide the calm to their storm.

*Seminary is a class where high-school aged kids go to learn about the scriptures.

**Stake conference is when several congregations (also known as wards) of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gather together.

"Martha-like anxiety"

I recently read a talk by the apostle Neal A. Maxwell* where he mentioned that "We can all try to watch out for Martha-like anxiety." That line hit me so hard.

The following story about Martha and Mary is taken from only five verses from the Bible, but it spoke to me more than it ever had before.

     Now it came to pass, as [Jesus] went, that he entered into a certain village: and a certain woman named Martha received him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, which also sat at Jesus’ feet, and heard his word. But Martha was cumbered about much serving, and came to him, and said, Lord, dost thou not care that my sister hath left me to serve alone? bid her therefore that she help me. And Jesus answered and said unto her, Martha, Martha, thou art careful and troubled about many things:    But one thing is needful: and Mary hath chosen that good part, which shall not be taken away from her. (Luke 10:38-42, emphasis added)

When you suffer with anxiety, you are literally Martha "being careful and troubled about many things." But you should take a step back and evaluate what is actually important to you. In my life, the most important thing is my relationship with Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ. I can spend all day worrying about things such as my grades at school, or going on dates, or how embarrassing life can be, etc. but truly I only need to focus about what Father and Jesus think of me.

Thinking about what is most important in my life has helped remove a lot of stress. I am a busy college student like so many other people, and I have lots of reasons to stress out. Yet as I have gone to church and to the temple, and as I have read the Bible and the Book of Mormon, I have been reminded of the most important things, and life becomes more bearable.



*Wisdom and Order, Neal A. Maxwell, Ensign June 1994

Social Anxiety vs. Lacking Social Skills

Recently I was asked the following question: what is the difference between having social anxiety
and lacking social skills?

Social anxiety means that you are so concerned with what other people think of you that you have panic attacks. The feeling of a panic attack can vary. Sometimes your legs and feet go numb. Your heart may beat fast. Maybe your hands start shaking. Or you sweat. After talking with people you are afraid of what they think of you, and beat yourself up saying to yourself, “I shouldn’t have said that," or "I should have said this.” You drive yourself crazy by being too critical on your interactions with people. This behavior and lifestyle is just straight up unhealthy for you.

Lacking social skills means that you don’t know how to talk to people--especially with people that you’ve just met. It can go hand in hand with suffering from social anxiety, but it is not the same thing. In fact, I would argue that most people are lacking in social skills in one way or another. There are very very few people that I have met who are experts at talking to everyone. Truly, most of us need to work on this skill. It is interesting to me to see how some of my friends who are extremely talkative can be shy around new people. Even the most loud, seemingly outgoing people can be seriously lacking in social skills.

I had an experience where, I had to associate a lot with a girl who never ever asked me any questions about myself. At first, I was kind of annoyed because I tried to get to know her and ask her questions about her life, her family, her school experience, etc. but she never seemed to show any interest about me. Later, I realized that she perhaps just did not know how to talk to people. The reason that she did not ask me anything was not because she did not like me, nor was it due to the fact that she was self-absorbed. She just needed to mature in her skills for talking to people.

I could have sympathy for her because I have been there. In the past I can remember times where I had no clue how to talk to people, and even now it’s not always the easiest thing for me to do. But I have grown so much. It’s fascinating to me to see how much I have learned and flourished in this regard, and I owe it all to the Savior.

So I learned to be patient and sympathetic to this girl who was clueless, and had faith that she could grow in her social skills eventually. I believe that anyone can improve on their social skills, even when one is suffering from social anxiety. It can be done! Rely upon the Lord. Not only was He the Savior of the world, but He was the best at befriending people. Do as He did. Focus on the needs of other people instead of your own. Minister everywhere you go. Look for ordinary ways to reach out to others. I promise it’s possible to improve with His help.

An Angel Hath Spoken Unto You

When I was suffering with depression, it was difficult for me to believe that I could do anything right, or that I could ever succeed.

On my mission, for example, I felt like a failure. All that I could focus my attention on was what I needed to improve, and on the things that other missionaries seemed to do better than I did. It was difficult to be satisfied about myself.

Many times, my companions, friends, or family members would assure me that I was doing an amazing job as a missionary. Even though I was told positive things multiple times from different people, my brain still found it hard to believe that what they were saying was true.

But then I realized that, the way Heavenly Father most often answers my prayers is through other people.

One day my mother wrote to me saying that I need to believe what people tell me, because they are acting as God’s angels and telling me the truth.

Shortly after she wrote me this, I was in a district meeting (a meeting with other missionaries), and we read together from the Book of Mormon in 1 Nephi. We read about the time when Laman and Lemuel were upset with their younger brothers; they did not believe that they would be able to get the plates from Laban, and so they smote their brothers with a rod. An angel appears to them to tell them to stop, and told them, “The Lord will deliver Laban into your hands” (1 Nephi 3:29) Yet even after the angel appeared, Laman and Lemuel continued to murmur and did not believe. In 1 Nephi 4:3, Nephi is speaking to them and says, "Ye also know that an angel hath spoken unto you; wherefore can ye doubt?" I was shocked that this story was telling me the same thing that my mother had said, and I took it as a sign from God that angels had indeed been sent to minister unto me. Angels had given me the message that I needed to hear, and I needed to believe it.

It still isn’t always easy to believe that I am doing a good job. But there are things that I have learned.

Negative thoughts about yourself come from the adversary. Positive thoughts about yourself come from God and His angels. God does not shame you when you are lacking a skill. He is happy to help you improve and repent. He doesn’t expect you to fix everything at once. You don’t have to do this alone.

“In times of special need, [God sends] angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near.” (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, The Ministry of Angels, General Conference October 2008)

Fear over Service

There are many reasons why people don’t fulfill their ministering assignments*. But one excuse in particular stands out to me. I have often heard many different sisters express that they are afraid to minister. Their fear comes because they don’t know their assigned sisters very well, and they are afraid of the awkwardness that can be present.

You are not alone in your anxiety! But you should not let your fear stop you!

Think about this: you are going to associate with people that you haven’t met before for the rest of your life! We meet new people when we go to a job interview, or meet co-workers for the first time, or go on dates, or attend parties, etc. Ministering is good and needed practice for the skill of making good impressions on people.

More important than that, however, is the fact that the Lord has asked that we do it. And He has good reason why.

Julie B. Beck stated the following (which can be applied to the brethren too), “A sister in this Church has no other responsibility, outside of her family, that has the potential to do as much good as visiting teaching [which is now renamed ministering].” (Julie B. Beck, "Relief Society: A Sacred Work," Ensign, November 2009, 110–14).

It’s such an important calling to serve others. It helps to take it step by step because “by small and simple things are great things come to pass.” (Alma 37:6)

My phenomenal friend Jennifer Brinkerhoff Platt shared the following during the 2018 BYU Women’s Conference: “Christ speaks love to us...in the ordinary. This is Christ’s pattern. His whole life was spent in loving people where they are...He used bread, fish, and lilies to teach profound doctrines. He healed while walking through streets and He loved always.”

As amazing as Christ was, He showed love for other people through very simple and ordinary actions. We can do the same.

You don’t have to consider yourself to be the most friendly person in the world to be good at ministering to others. It takes ordinary actions like saying hello whenever you see them, sending a text, writing a birthday card, sharing a meaningful General Conference quote or scripture, or getting together to watch a movie or play games. “[Ministering] looks like becoming part of someone’s life and caring about him or her.” (Jean B. Bingham, “Ministering as the Savior does,” April 2018 General Conference)

For me, I feared ministering because I felt pressured to win other women’s friendship and trust, and I was afraid they wouldn’t like me for whatever reason. I do better when I stop worrying about myself and focus on the needs of other people--meaning my companion, our sisters we are assigned to, and even the sisters that are assigned to minister to me. Is it going to be awkward sometimes? Sure. But you will be blessed for your service and your love for other people will grow.

I testify that by truly caring about others, you forget about your own anxieties and fears. May we answer our calling to minister by saying,

Lord, we will answer thee gladly,

"Yes, blessed Master, we will!

Make us thy true under-shepherds;

Give us a love that is deep.

Send us out into the desert,

Seeking thy wandering sheep."

(Hymn 221 Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd)

*In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints we as members are assigned to serve and befriend specific people. We do so with an assigned companion.

How to Avoid Comparing Yourself to Others

When my anxiety was really bad, it seemed impossible to avoid comparing myself to other people.

When I had to teach on my mission or in Relief Society, I would look at other people and think they were much better at teaching than I was. When my friends got asked out on lots of dates, I would think they were much more likable than I was. Even with my own family members I would observe them and think “I will never be as funny, nor as cool, nor as successful as they are.” There was no escaping the temptation of comparing myself to others.

Primary General President, Joy D. Jones, spoke on comparison, saying that “it’s an easy trap. Satan is the father of all lies, especially when it comes to misrepresentations about our own divine nature and purpose...We’ve often been taught, ‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.’ We can stop comparing our worst to someone else’s best. ‘Comparison is the thief of joy.’” (“Value Beyond Measure,” Oct 2017)

It’s so true. Comparison robbed me of happiness. It made me blind to what my talents were. But how exactly can we stop making comparisons to those around us?

Relief Society General President, Jean B. Bingham, gave some counsel concerning this, saying,
“Sometimes...we look at what others might have or be and feel we are less in comparison. We become focused on the Pinterest or Instagram versions of life or caught up in our school’s or workplace’s preoccupation with competition. However, when we take a moment to “count [our] many blessings,” we see with a truer perspective and recognize the goodness of God to all of His children.” (“I Will Bring the Light of the Gospel into My Home,” Oct 2016)

As I have tried to be more specific in expressing gratitude to Heavenly Father in my prayers, I have been able to see myself in a “truer perspective,” as Sister Bingham says. He has shown me that I have talents and gifts that I never knew I had, and I know He gives every single person unique abilities.

Throughout my life I have learned more ways to avoid the temptation of comparison. I have accepted that I don’t need to do something the same way someone else does. For example, I don’t need to have the same energetic personality as another to be an effective, engaging teacher. When I have taught in Relief Society, I realize that my teaching style is unique, and that’s OK. I know that the Lord only cares that I am doing my best to teach at all; He doesn’t care if I am the most amazing teacher. Instead of being worried about myself and how I measure up to other teachers that the sisters in my ward have had, I am more concerned with helping the sisters to feel the Spirit.

Service is the best antidote! If I am more concerned with helping others, then I lose the worry over what my capacity is compared to someone else’s. Through me and my talents, the Lord has helped me bless others.

I testify that Heavenly Father has blessed us all with unique gifts. Use your gifts to bless others people’s lives. If you have trouble recognizing your talents, you will come to find them as you serve.


Additional reading:

"Am I Good Enough? Will I Make It?" by Elder J. Devn Cornish
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2016/10/am-i-good-enough-will-i-make-it?lang=eng

"Please, my beloved brothers and sisters, we must stop comparing ourselves to others. We torture ourselves needlessly by competing and comparing. We falsely judge our self-worth by the things we do or don’t have and by the opinions of others. If we must compare, let us compare how we were in the past to how we are today—and even to how we want to be in the future. The only opinion of us that matters is what our Heavenly Father thinks of us. Please sincerely ask Him what He thinks of you."

Just Say "Hi"

As a teenager, I remember going to church and learning lessons about service. I didn’t understand when it was said that saying hello can be an act of service. It seemed like it was the bare minimum of what you could do to serve someone. Growing up, my parents had also always taught me to say hello to everyone, and I didn’t always like having to do it since I was incredibly self-conscious. But now I know better!

The bare minimum of just saying hello can be all that an anxious person needs.

In recent memories, the following situation happened many times: Someone who I knew would walk past me, and I would try to make eye contact with them to say hello, but they would continue on without saying anything. Whenever this happened, a whirlpool of negative emotions would flood my mind. “It must be because they don’t like me. Nobody likes me. I am never going to be good at befriending people.” These thoughts would escalate more and more, thus leading to sadness and despair. Another person’s act as simple as this gave me great anxiety and depression.

With help, I have been able to train my mind into a more healthy way of thinking. There are a million reasons why someone may not say hello to me. Maybe it’s because they are having a bad day. Maybe they are shy. Maybe their parents didn’t teach them to say hello and so they are not used to it. Maybe they are even more anxious than I am!

Another way to cope with anxiety is to accept the fact that, yes, maybe this person does NOT like you. Is it really the end of the world if that’s true, though? Jesus was the nicest, most likable person in the world and yet He was “^adespised and rejected of men” (Isaiah 53:3).

When someone hurts my feelings I can turn to the Savior and know that He understands what it is like to feel rejected. People have done worse things to me besides avoiding me, but I know that because Christ was willing to suffer through everything that we have gone through, “With his stripes we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:5) He has healed me from so much heartache, and through obedience to His commandments, He has helped me become a better person.

Instead of worrying about what other people think of me, I need to be more concerned about what I can control. I can be the one to say hello first, and even if they don’t respond in the most friendly way, at least I did my part to extend compassion towards someone else. I can choose to act as a true disciple of the Lord.

By serving others, even with the most absolute basic form of service, I have been able to feel better about myself. I have also been blessed, since there are some really cool people that I have befriended just by using the simple greeting of “hi.”

I sincerely encourage you to just say hello to everyone. It truly does make a difference.